The Accident with a side of traumatic brain injury to go...

Since October 2013 I've been exploring groups around Arkansas in an attempt to finally find some like-minded individuals with whom to chat and interact with. There is a decided dearth of such persons in my immediate area and if it weren't for Jim (my husband) I think I'd have gone completely mad by now.

Olivia and the kids moved in back in June of 2012 and that has offered considerably more alternatives and challenges in our tiny 3 bedroom home.

She's been attending some of the meetings with me and exploring her own spiritual path and I've enjoyed helping, listening and being there to see the changes and growth. I've also enjoyed having someone else to compare stories and opinions with and yet, I haven't been able to shake this feeling that I wanted/needed something more.

2008-2011 were really tough times. I was in a couple of vehicle accidents where the other driver simply plowed into me; once at a stop light and once as I was nearly through an intersection. Both caused muscle pains, nerve pain and head injuries but the one in 2009 was by far the worst. I'll affectionately call her "the blue-haired fruit bat" who hit me just plain chose not to stop at a red light. She did not see my car directly in front of her face. The kid in her passenger seat sure did, his eyes were as huge as saucers just before impact. 

She slammed into me, spun me around on the rain-soaked, oil-slicked asphalt and into oncoming traffic where I was hit again and spun some more for fun. My head bounced all over the window, steering wheel and such until I came to a rest. I know now I was in shock but I could only think to check and make sure everyone else was okay so I wandered out of the car to the woman who hit me. She started screaming at me but seemed okay so I went to the other car next. 

The other car was a brand spanking new sedan not a week off the lot. It held a beautiful young mother-to-be named Autumn and her husband, Bill. Autumn was sobbing behind the wheel and clearly shaken up but Bill said she'd be okay and that she was mostly just reacting to the shock of it all. At this point I walked away from her car and apparently into traffic until Bill grabbed my arm and guided me back to my car. Once I sat down for a second or two I started to become aware of a myriad of pain in my feet, legs, back, neck and head. I managed to phone Jim on the cell and said I was in an accident and that I was near Pizza Hut and needed him then I just kind of blanked out for a bit. (He said it wasn't nearly that clear but he simply drove the way I usually went until he spotted the accident.) 

My back spasms were so bad that I was having difficulty taking a breath and by the time the ambulance showed up I was both dazed and breathless. Each minute seemed to make it harder and harder to move and think. I don't think I was ever unconscious but I definitely lost touch with reality for a bit.

The rain was pouring down, it was after dark and the temperature hovered around 45. The ambulance man forced me to lie prone on a gurney which made the spasms much worse. I tried to get up and he strapped me onto it with bands across my head, chest and legs. He put a neck collar on me I think but I can't remember if that was him or the hospital later. Then he left to assess the other persons, leaving me in the pouring rain alone and in great pain without so much as a blanket. I'd been there about 30 minutes when Jim showed up. He yelled at the attendant about me being left unattended and freezing wet. Next thing I knew they pushed me into the nearby ambulance, where the blue-haired fruit bat was giving her statement to police officer. 

I could hear her saying she was on prescription meds and I heard the officer say she shouldn't have been driving while taking whatever it was. They chatted for another 10 minutes or so until Jim told them to get me to freaking hospital or he was going to do it. 

I think I lost some time again because the next thing I knew the ambulance was driving, the doors were closed, and the fruit bat had disappeared. The attendant was poking me over and over and asking me questions. I tried to answer him but I couldn't get any air. It felt like a ten inch wide steel band was crushing me from the bottom of my ribs to my hip bones. He got more and more insistent that I respond, saying things about how I wasn't helping the situation etc, all the while I was literally gasping unable to breathe. I realized I was about to pass out at the very least and remembered doing breathing exercises to help with the pain while in labor. I started doing la mas breathing and slowly but surely I was able to gain a little air and the wrenching band gave way. 

I ignored the idiot from that point on. When I got to White County Hospital, I was having seizure like spasms from head to toe, I was freezing and shivering so badly that I felt like I was being torn in half. The staff cut my cloths off of me saying something about hypothermia. I started to cry but I couldn't even move my head or lift my hands and I couldn't find Jim. My core temperature was in the 70's and I was having great difficulty staying awake. My cognitive function wasn't working much of the time and I was scared. I couldn't remember what had happened and why I was there.

Finally Jim showed up. I remember hearing his voice. I wasn't sleeping but I wasn't exactly awake either. They'd covered me at some point with hot blankets and some kind of fluid IV was running through a line in my arm. The spasms were still there but not nearly as intense. I'm sure they gave me shots to relax the muscles and such but I just don't remember it.

Jim held my hand and petted me and calmed me with his voice. He explained more than once what had happened because apparently I kept asking. He assured me he had my purse and gave them my insurance info and all that. Nice to know that when I can't remember my name I thought to ask how everyone else was and where my important papers were. LOL.

They did a bunch of scans and x-rays and the long and short of it didn't sound that bad. Two concussions, coup-contrecoup injury and a contusion of the brain. Whiplash in the neck was no surprise as well. The muscle spasms were because I'd seen her about to hit me and tensed up, thereby making the damage a little worse than it would have been if I hadn't. (Who wouldn't tense up though?) I had a lot of bruises and a monster headache.

It took years, in fact, I would say the healing continues to this day but the brunt of it was by far worse at the start and the following 23 months. The brain injuries didn't seem bad so no one listened when I kept having hallucinations, bladder issues, and an inability to read, write or understand written language. By far the worst side effect of the damage was the inability to trust my own brain. Things I'd known for decades suddenly were gone, information as simple as "add water when you make Ramen soup on the stove" or "green means go not stop" had been removed. In their place was the sure knowledge one moment that I was 100% correct only to find five minutes or a day later that not only was I completely wrong but it was ludicrous that I'd ever thought I was right in the first place.  

I lost my independence. I couldn't drive. I lost my part-time job. I lost me. 

Jim and I argued constantly over stupid things. Even with insurance, the financial consequences of the accident added up and piled the stress on both of us and our fledgling marriage. Everyone I used to do work for accounting and my family kept saying things like "you look fine" or "I don't see anything wrong with you." I felt as though I were going insane. 

Was I making it up? Were the experiences I continued to have all in my mind? WHY couldn't I think like I used to? WHY were my emotions so violent and erratic? Why did I laugh when I should cry and cry when I meant to laugh?  Why didn't anyone believe me?

Finally I switched from the doctor I'd had from the start, whom I detested,  to a new D.O. (like an MD but they can do manipulations and muscle stuff that most MDs won't do.) He put me in physical therapy, which led to a lot of short-term pain for long-term gain. He adjusted my neck and back and legs and in an instant ended completely once and for all nerve pain and muscle strain I'd suffered for nearly a year. He suggested I see a neuro-psychiatrist  in Little Rock so I did. She tested me and finally I had my proof. 

Her tests showed that I wasn't a malingering faker. I consistently scored above average and superior on most of the twenty odd tests and yet there were three tests which I scored less than 30 points on. Executive function, sequencing and one other that I can't remember now. They showed gross impairment and the fact that all my other scores were so high made it incredibly obvious that these three areas of the brain were greatly and negatively impacted.

I had already taken the initiative to start doing Lumosity online to strengthen my brain and reading, reaction times and to help me track improvement. I'd even started playing World of Warcraft. Don't laugh; it gave me an environment where I had to read and interpret requests, perform simple tasks, and when I got them correct, I was rewarded. I could fail again and again and it didn't matter, no one else was affected. It took me six months to get a character up to level six. I can do that now in under an hour, 30 minutes if I hurry.

I'd also been trying to read to Jim which was hideously slow. At first I'd forget a word as soon as I read it and moved to the next. I couldn't string the sentence together. After several months I was able to remember the sentence but not two. Then I could do two or three but not the whole paragraph. It was agonizing, but at least I knew there was progress. 

It was more than year post accident that I was able to speak to a cognitive therapist. I had eight appointments with her. She saw the difficulty I was having but reassured me that I was already doing everything she would have recommended and that I had to be content with whatever progress I was making. I would get so upset and frustrated and start bawling because I knew that I used to be able to take over 87,000 documents and put them together in one spreadsheet from start to finish for the Exxon Valdez cost bill for the entire trial. Now I couldn't figure out movie times or do the exercises where I had to organize a few pieces of information. 

I knew I should know. I knew I USED to know. But I couldn't do it. I would get stuck in this loop in my head and the result was always the same. Self recrimination and abuse. I expected myself to function where I had been and now, though I clearly remembered being able to do so, I couldn't. I felt useless.

The words that I'd always found so easy to put on paper were now laborious and chunky. There was no flow or style to them. It was like lumps of concrete, thrown hither and thither, being called a sidewalk. Laughable.

Stories, poems and ramblings I'd written were unknown to me. It was like reading someone else's writing. I knew because they were in my files that I'd written them but I couldn't recall the stories, or even some of the events. It was surreal.

Even my inner dialog had changed. It was like I stood ostracized in my own head watching this complete stranger run my life and ruin it. Thoughts went through my head that I know I never would have even considered before and I was helpless to stop them.

All the weight I'd lost after leaving Seattle and working on the ranch, came back with a vengeance. Partly from nearly four months lying in bed most of the day on muscle relaxants and Valium. Also in part because the more unsure I became, the more I ate. Since my normal activities were curtailed severely while I recovered, I gained weight quickly.

I also had post-traumatic stress. When I was finally deemed okay to drive I would have panic attacks if a car turned onto the road on that side of the car. It would send adrenaline throughout my body in an instant, I'd start shaking and sobbing uncontrollably and had to pull off the road. I even cried when it happened suddenly on TV. I hated myself and my weaknesses.

If I hadn't of had Jim I think I'd be a number in a morgue journal at this point. No kidding. That's pretty bad considering I was so positive and upbeat that I made any number of friends,family and strangers sick and disgusted cheering them out of perfectly good blue funks prior to all this. I couldn't see the light at the end of tunnel.

That was then. My intention in writing this wasn't to garner sympathy or pity. If anything it was to offer hope to anyone in similar situation and to help fill in the gap of almost six years since my last post. I think this blog is part of a series of blogs leading up to my current experiences and attempts at healing. 

At the time I thought I was going through hell or simply IN hell, but with time and perspective I can see that everything that happened, did so for a reason. Each obstacle and challenge offered me an opportunity to overcome my fears and limitations. It has brought, in some ways, an even better understanding of who I am. Though I do mourn the loss of that part of me that did not move forward, I am starting to celebrate the parts of me created or, perhaps more precisely - unearthed, since.

Paying It Forward/Random Acts of Kindness

I've been thinking about things all day. I guess it's just one of those days that lends itself to introspection. So pull up a good seat and listen for a few if you happen to have found yourself here reading then I'm sure there's a reason.

At the end of January I had to go to the airport to pick up my brother and his girlfriend. It's about 110 miles round trip or so. I took the guest we had here at the house with me because it seemed too odd to leave him at home alone.

I realized about 30 minutes from home that I'd forgotten to grab my cell phone off the charger before I left. So I had no way for my brother to reach me in the car to tell me where to pick him up at and that he had arrived. The whole way there Ross complained and when we got to the airport we discovered that my brother's flight had been cancelled at the last minute but because we'd already left for the airport we'd missed the call.

So here we are at the airport, low on fuel and no cash between us. I was flat broke. Going into business with someone who tends to spend more than you earn does that to your pocketbook. Anyway, so this guy is really pitching a fit. Yelling, smoking like a chimney, pacing around at the airport. I send him in to ask when the next flight is due because I have no way to phone my mother or my brother's cell since they are long distance and I forgot my phone.

He comes back and tells me they will be there in 4 hours. He doesn't want to wait at the airport that long. Take me home, he says. Now keep in mind this is the same day my bunnies died. I was stressed out big time. (see earlier blog on truthsinger.blogspot.com). I feel like my head is going to explode and my eyes are bugging out from pressure and it's harder and harder to be nice to this fellow.

So I remember that I have a gift card from a local gas station called Valero in my purse. My brother had tossed it to me saying "it has some $$ on it but not much". So I know there's one across the highway and decide I'll go get an aspirin and try to think on what to do.

I get there and the card has $1.77 on it, just enough to pay for one of those little packets of pills and tax. I ask the lady if I can use her restroom but it's in use at the moment so I wait. While I wait she and I start chatting. "Long day, bad day. Bunnies died. Plane cancelled. Hermit the grouch for a passenger. blah blah blah". I proceed to talk to her because she resembles my eldest daughter so much I felt at home with her and she had such a lovely welcoming smile.

I told her I had a migraine and wanted nothing so much as to dump this dude off at home so I could wait in peace but I didn't have enough cash for gas to get there and back the 100 miles. So next thing I know, Jackie offers to pay for not only the headache pills but $10.00 in gas. Just enough to get me home and back. I told her I couldn't pay her back any time soon and she said no need, just pay it forward. I promised I would and with tears in my eyes I finally got into the restroom to wash up.

We filled up and I took him home then turned right around to go back because by then my brother had phoned, they'd made another airlines flight and were waiting on me at the airport which was still over an hour away. So I grabbed the cell and headed back with my head pounding.

About ten miles up the road I had to stop and dig in my purse for more pills because the headache was so bad I couldn't see well. I found some, took them and started to pull back onto the highway when I saw something glare in the headlights from the nearby ground. I got out to investigate and found a ladies wallet and 18 credit cards and personal stuff all over the muddy ground. I picked them up and made sure I got them all and then proceeded back to the airport.

Later that night after returning home I phoned the number for the cell in the wallet but no answer. Turns out the wallet belongs to a lady who'd been in Little Rock on business and was robbed. The next day she phoned me to tell me how relieved she was and ask me to mail it. To my embarrassment I didn't have enough $$ to mail it to her so her husband made arrangements to have UPS come get it.

The funny thing was that for a few days before this I'd kept having random "pictures" in my head of Denver Colorado and the aurora borealis. Didn't make any sense to me until I looked at Denise's return address to tell UPS. She lived in Aurora Colorado. Which I'd never heard of but sounds lovely.

So today, when I ever so happily returned Mr. Grump the guest to the airport, I took the time to stop by the station and tell Jackie the owner about that night and how her generous offer of $10.00 gas meant that I was on that road to see the wallet to return it to the rightful owner in Colorado. I guess that means I paid it forward afterall and I thought she'd like to know.

One other thing that made my afternoon, when I walked into her station, even after knowing me only a few minutes she said hey you, welcome home! I think she's wonderful and I thank heaven that such people still exist!

So I hope this wasn't too lengthy to enjoy and that if you read it now there was a reason, something for you to pass on to another. Random acts of kindness work!

Love to you all! Sinsual aka Vandra

The Trouble with Smart Bucks...

We have this billy goat named Stranger. I’ve talked about him before I think. He was tossed into our yard by someone who apparently thought that we wouldn’t notice the addition. I have taken to calling him BeauCephus because when I go outside he hums to me and sings a little song til I come to him. It’s as if he believes himself to be a siren or something. God’s gift to women of any species!



He has these foot long horns that he likes to play “whack the horn” with. I usually run around with him when I let him out of the pen and play chase for a while then run to the big boulder in the rock field. He’ll hop right up on it and run to the end where I am and we play “whack the horn” for a bit til my hands hurt. Sometimes we play tug a war or king of the mountain too. He’s an amusing outgoing little guy. Only as tall as my thigh if you count the horns but he thinks he’s much bigger.

Well today I’m inside sipping tea and honey for a cold when my housemate yells that the goat is out. I look outside whilst jumping into my shoes and see he’s eating all the strawberry plants in the fenced in front yard garden.

Now this is amazing because he’s opened the gate to his pen which I have thick cotter pins holding closed!! Somehow he whacked the pin out of the hole and opened the door. Then he opened the gate to the front field and let the horses out. Then he opened the gate to the nanny goat’s pen and let the nanny and both babies out. Then he opened the gate to the front garden and proceeded to eat my strawberry plants, onions and rosemary!

He did all of this between when I fed him less than 2 hours ago and now!

This is one smart darn goat! The problem is that I’m going to have to get rid of him if we can’t keep him contained where he’s supposed to be. I see now why so many people build goat pens out of ugly concrete. The boys will simply climb and destroy everything else. He broke a section of chainlink fence in half by using it as a trampoline. The bars folds and broke open making it useless.

On one hand I admire his gumption and ingenuity but on the other I fear for the safety of the other animals and him if he continues to pull a “Pappillion” on me.

Any goat herders out there with good inexpensive ideas for buck goat containment? Lol.

When you know you can't help...

Monday, March 03, 2008

I find myself thinking about something today that I would honestly rather never have to think about at all. Someone I know made a phone call to set up an appointment to visit an abortion clinic. They are taking "the non-mother-to-be" in for a consultation and counseling session.

Now I know that both parties are responsible for taking precautions or abstaining, but I find myself in the uncomfortable [and unearned I assure you] position of feeling morally righteous about the "non-father-to-be" in this case. He frustrates me. Were guys always like this when I was younger and I didn't notice it because I wasn't drinking and sleeping around with them all in high school? This guy, oh let's be generous and say DATES 4 or 5 girls a week, sometimes 3 a day. He's young, good looking, charming when he wants to be (and he definitely does want to be when he's going in for the kill) and a local.

The dates he has are with girls from the ages of 14.5 to 28 so far as I know. I spoke with the young man and his group of friends several times but with zero effect other than getting myself called names I've never been called to my face in my life.

When they got into a fight and I was for some UNKNOWN reason asked by an officer of the law to accompany him to the dispute to help "calm things down" I was shocked. I found this man and his posse of friends, drunk, having driven a car into a field near someone's house and gotten it stuck up to the axels in mud. There was a girl with them who it turned out was sixteen. She was obviously smelling of booze and not walking well. I spoke to the police there and asked if they didn't find that odd and wasn't this a dry county and isn't she a bit underage to be out drinking especially with a group of horny drunken boys? He answered me "Ya, seems like she is at that." and did nothing.

I made a few phone calls after hearing this group of youngsters brag about how they got another sixteen year old girl drunk and drugged, then all took turns at her sometimes three at a time. And if this wasn't enough they peed on her afterwards and left her at someone's house, miles from home in that incapcitated state.

No one seems to care. The girls won't press charges, the boys think it's funny. The police say "as long as they don't drink THEN drive we look the other way". What kind of hell am I IN here? Is this the way it's always been and I just was blind as a bat or what?

Is this NORMAL behavior? These girls (and I do mean GIRLS) should have parents that care about them but instead they marry them off to SOMEONE who will take them at sixteen and they are divorced by eighteen with 2 kids and on welfare. Following in the family business I guess.

I feel really negative about this whole thing. I know it's not my business, it's not my baby they want to abort. I don't know the young woman in question, I know as soon as this is "handled" she will go looking for the "daddy" and want to be in his good graces again and on the floor doing whatever he wants when he wants because she has no sense of personal value.

It's impossible to ignore without substantially altering what I do and where I do it, and my efforts to help are not only unappreciated but unwanted. I guess I'm feeling rather down about the whole thing. I need to get my head right somehow, find a silver lining and pursue that to make a difference and not dwell on those I can't help. It just pains me to know he's had this "talk" now three times in a year, with three different girls, because "condoms are for losers." What a horrible thing to go through at any age. I can't imagine how hopeless it feels at sixteen or fifteen.

What ever happened to decent young men who valued their lady friends and expected them to value themselves? Are they really a forgotten breed?

All I can think is, some days the dragon wins. :(

The Domino Effect

Yesterday a domino effect of things happened for me. First I was not feeling well, having worked outside for many hours in the rain to deal with fallen trees. So I didn't go out like I normally would have and spend as much time outside and in the barn. Second the miniature horses were "stuck" inside the tiny area together because they didn't like the sleet and hail. The lead mare picks on the other mare so the littler mare went under the suspended rabbit hutch to get away from her. Being under there I guess she got bored and started to scratch herself against the support posts. Normally it's not a problem as I reinforced all the posts up the middle and front because I knew they did that with them. BUT I didn't reinforce the posts against the wall because the screws in the upper area sort of do that.

So Duchess scratched til she pushed one of the back posts out of position which caused a major lack of support which caused another post to fail and pulls some of the screws out of the wall. (Its a huge heavy cage for them to play in and havea den on one end)

This causes the front top of the cage to go upwards at an angle and the bottom back of the cage to pull away from the wall. Which left a 1 ft. opening in the cage. Now normally that's not a problem for Roger, our bigger bunny. It happened once before but he's so afraid of the outside that he stayed in the cage. BUT I had put little black Pepper in there with him and that girl has never been afraid of anything because she was always loved, unlike Roger before we had him.

So pepper apparently takes this opportunity to run out of the cage and explore and either Roger followed his new and only friend at this point or was scared out of the cage later by the dog. The dog, Spaz, normally isn't outside by her lonesome for long either, but being as we have a guest here, he'd let her out without my knowing. When I realized she wasn't in the house and went to the door to call her I opened it and there I see my baby bunny trying to get back into the house (where she spent nearly all her life) just as the dog breaks her neck.
I tried to save her but couldn't. I tried putting her in warm water to avoid shock and toweled her and wrapped her but it was simply too late.

So I went outside after putting the dog in her kennel and found poor old white Roger laying in the stable on his side. I think he might have lived for a moment after I saw him because his eyes moved but that was all. I felt so bad.

So I laid the two of them together like they used to huddle in the hutch together with his big body protecting her little one and went to get the shovel. I dug a hole then made it bigger then bigger still as Roger was one big boy. The horses gathered around the hole, curious as always about what I was doing there at the back of the goat pen. The goats came to stand on the other side looking and bleating at me in query as well.

I went into the house and retrieved the little box I'd designed for Pepper to hide in and some of the hay from her cage inside. I took my time cleaning her again and preparing her like I would anyone I loved who had passed and needs this final respect and show of love. Roger wasn't sullied by his explorations except the bottom of his feet. So I simply brushed him down and closed his eyes for him.

Then I lay the hay in the bottom of the hole and laid big Roger on his left side, Pepper on her right facing him, and gently placed his right "arm" and leg over her little body. Then I placed her "hidey hole" box over the two of them. I put it there for two reasons really, one to protect her like it always had, like an offering of "home" to take with her on this journey a baby shouldn't have to take. And because it was big enough for her friend to share with her. She made him happy enough to dance in the last week they were together outside. He'd never done that before, the silly bunny leap and twist dance. I laughed when he did because he's a new zealander rabbit and quite large and it gave him the appearance of a sumo wrestler trying to pirouette. But it meant he was as happy as they get.

She did the leap and dance too, so pretty and quick so despite my misgivings about the variances in their sizes, I took her word for it that she was happy and let her remain outside. At least til that last morning, when I felt it was so cold I might take her back inside just for a few days. But when I opened the hutch and saw her so relaxed lying beside Roger with his head lying partly across her neck, I just couldn't take her away. So i left her there. Not knowing what would happen so soon.

I also felt it was practical to put the box across them to help keep their scent from attracting our dog or the neighbors. I want them to rest in peace. Together. I felt a bit like Rhett Butler when I did too, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated the thought of her getting cold. But I realized that it had to happen at least together they'd had a wonderful week of fun and closeness and now they had each other to continue the journey.

Some might think I'm over-reacting to the death of a few rabbits. But I've babied and cared for Roger for a year and a half, and I've had little Pepper for all but 10 days of her short life. In a few months I've grown to love her so. She trusted me so much and came to me of her own volition and snuggled with me and made me laugh so much with her antics. She was afterall a baby and very amusing.

I am so blessed she was in my life. I rescued her from a man who was going to kill her and only managed to give her a bit over 2 months of life, but she was happy and safe til that last hour. And she made Roger so happy in a way he hadn't been either. I found myself standing at the little grave saying a prayer that they be taken into whatever heaven little bunnies have and loved by one another. My little four legged prayer group standing around as well seeming to say their goodbyes then the little group breaking up as each went their separate ways.

I found myself thinking about John Edward's show where the mother says "Always Blessings, Never Losses" and tell myself, this is how I need to see this. No regretting that I didn't rebuild the cage when I thought to. No regretting not taking her inside. Not spending more time outside THAT day. Just take what they gave me and let it live within me.

I just wanted to share. Not to make anyone sad, but to witness for these silly loveable bunnies, that I cared and I feel their loss as I would anyone I love. Loving hurts sometimes, but I wouldn't give up a single second I had of it.

Be well everyone.
Love and blessings,

December on the Double M Ranch...

Well, having a few difficulties with the company. That's definitely going to create more work than I wanted to cope with but oh well, sometimes it's unavoidable.

Spent time outside with my brother while he was fixing the truck and took a few pics of the critters. What a bunch of characters. The little billy goat, Stranger, was thrown over our fence last year by someone who I guess thought we needed another goat. So one day he was just there. Went to feed the goats and there was an extra lol. Oddly enough we've sold most of them and kept him and the little nanny goat, Serea. She's pregnant right now and should be having babies sometime in Feb or March. The later the better. Though honestly if she's this huge now I don't know how she's going to last til then lol.
Anyway, Stranger was goofing around - he seems to have three things on his mind at any one time; sex, food, whacking horns and challenging someone to a head whacking duel. Here he is challenging our little mare, Duchess, and our big truck to a duel.
So last night it starts raining like mad, flashes of lightning and the kind of huge thunderclaps that shake the whole house. Gotta admire mother nature's handiwork when she gets to going! I love storms, so I was awake for hours listening to it. Then I get up and go outside to feed the animals and lo and behold! The neighbor's dead tree has broken and the top 30 feet are lying in our rock field.
So we drive the John Deere over and the pick up truck and start filling them with broken branches, sticks, twigs and logs. Had to saw some of it apart but it went fast enough I guess. Just strikes me as odd how, no matter where they start at, the neighbor's trees always fall on OUR side of the fence. I was thinking I should make a christmas card from the picture and send it to them saying Merry Christmas, your present is my not making you chop this crap up....again....any chance you will chop those down now? Before they take out the fence and you have to replace it?

Doubt they'd get the hint. They never do.

I did a christmas craft show at the beginning of the month. It didn't do well, not nearly as well as we'd hoped. I think a lot of families are just struggling to keep the heat on and food on the table. Especially in Arkansas where a "good job" pays less than minimum wage was in Seattle! Here's a shot of the lay out I had at the show, maybe it's too "busy" or something? I thought it looked great though! The lady next to me made 2 things, homemade recipe for red tomato relish and roasted green tomato relish. They were a bit too vinagary for my taste but I did like the red one pretty well. She was a real sweetheart too, so I had someone to chat with between lookers. I about went nuts on one lady who broke some clay garlands and ran away without paying for it, and another woman who's little boy had a gross nose and started pulling on one of the hats over his face to his lips. Smearing the inside with snot as he went. Fortunately his grandmother had some cooth, unlike his mom, and immediately shot her daughter a mean look, paid for the hat, apologized and dragged the little boy off. Nice to know someone in that family had manners!

So I guess that's enough blabbing for now. I'm sure I could rattle on for days but no doubt, I'd get tired of typing long before that point! Have a great tomorrow~ Merry Christmas (yes, I'm saying it and not "happy holidays" if you don't like it, tough, I believe in Christmas!)

A bunny thing happened....

I'm having issues with our bunny boy, Roger. (I didn't pick that gloriously obvious name for him either.) He's the sweetest little guy, white with red eyes and soft pliable bunny for most things. He doesn't even flinch when I clip his claws. Try to pick him up though and all bunny hell breaks loose. Best hope you have on enough padding cause rabbit claws cut fast and long!

Seems before when someone picked him up they took him outside with his little bunny friends and left them in a fenced area with hawks circling above. One by one they were all introduced to the bottomside of a hawk or just missed being lunch. So I can totally understand why he might have issues with leaving the cage.

The thing is though, occasionally I'd like to take him out for some fresh food and movement. I have a tiny little harness for him to wear and a leash attached so I don't lose track of him even if he spooks. And hey, I'm selfish, it would be fun to hold him and cuddle him. Assuming I don't have to dress like a doberman pincher trainer to do it!

So I plan to clip his little claws later today and warm a towel up in the dryer, then go out and scoop him into it and hold tight (but not too tight) til he calms down. That's the plan. I'll let you know how many stitches it takes to put him back lol.

Wow what an ordeal

Amber Narae w/Ian (top), Olivia Elizabeth w/Ariana (R), & Ariana Nikole with William (L),

A lot has happened in two years! I have moved from Seattle, broken up with my boyfriend of five years, lived in a women's home for a while, had a beautiful granddaughter born and another grandson on the way (David but I call him Baird, he's due this Christmas!) and I'm in Arkansas now helping my 71 year old mother start a ranch raising miniature goats and miniature quarterhorses as well as starting an interstate trucking company! Whew! I'm exhausted already lol.

I'll load some pics up soon with the horses on them and such but mostly I just wanted to get back to what I had originally intended this website to be when I started. Someplace to muse about spiritual things and my inner dialog in the hopes that somehow it will help someone else!
Our miniature quarter horse Pegasus with his winter coat on, napping
Anyway, I'm back online, spending most of my time at Girlfriendscafe.com and Godlight.uk.co (I love this site!) So if you are looking for me, that's where I'll be. Be safe everyone!

Sinsual

The Orca Totem One of my Strongest Influences

Orca - Killer Whale Totem

I took this from another website but thought it would be nice to have here since this is one of my strongest totems. I have always dreamed of Orcas speaking to me, calling to me, assisting me or those I ask help for. I am very very sensitive to sound and I have a story that illustrates just how connected I feel to these wonderful powerful creatures.

I was sitting with a friend in Anchorage at a restaurant on the water called Simon's & Seaforts. We were half way through a nice lunch in February when my friend commented on how distracted I seemed. I told him I could swear I hear whales or dolphins laughing and squeeing but I know that's not possible as we are indoors and no one else seems to hear it.

We noted it was 2 p.m. and chatted for a while and I tried to stay focused on the conversation while also acknowledging the whale song I heard. The next day I was at work and my best friend Steve calls me up and asks if I've seen the paper. I hadn't. He came to get me for lunch later and showed it to me. I had to laugh because on the cover of the paper was a shot taken about 8 miles or so off-shore showing a pod of killer whales had corraled a pod of beluga whales into a shoal area and boxed them in.

The paper noted it was taken at 2:00 p.m. the day before. Just outside Anchorage.The pilot managed to fly over and took the picture with perfect clarity. I felt my heart jump for joy because I realized that they had no intention of killing the beluga whales they merely were having fun corraling them and to this day I think what I heard was their laughter at the fun they were having.

Sinsual

The website is no longer there :( so I can't link anyone to it.

But there are other great websites with similar info out there!

~Life Paths~

Animal Totems & Earth Medicine
Spirit of Orca with Wolfs Moon

Role: ~Guardian of the Cosmic Memory~
Lesson: Discover the Song of the Soul
Element: Water
Wind: North ~Land of the Elders/Wisdom~
Medicine: Alchemy

~Keywords~

Guardian of the Cosmic Memory

Alchemy

Creativity
Healing through Sound

Sensitivity
Spiritual Insight

_____________________________________________________

Glimmering light from the Center of the Cosmos Ribbons of purple,

aqua and gold Pulsing, dancing to the thrum of the Orca’s Call

She calls to Humanity Loving, gentle soul

With eyes in whose depths star fields shine

Guardian of Cosmic Memory

The pain of a thousand wounded souls tattered,

adrift on a sea of isolation,

beckon Her and she responds with tenderness & compassion,

tempered with the knowledge of when to encourage the ~Lost~ to swim alone.

The Leap is made as the Ancestors call and she soars in bliss toward the stars,

the joyful song of the Star Nation resounding . . .

Welcome Home, dear Sister, welcome Home

~Guardian of the Cosmic Memory~

For many indigenous peoples, Orca (also known as the ~Sea Wolf,~) is the Guardian of the Cosmic Memory.

Beliefs surrounding the Orca`s origin vary from tribe to tribe, with some tribes holding the belief that the ~Sea Wolf~ was created when a young man was walking along the beach and heard a pitiful whining. Following the sound, he soon discovered two young wolf cubs that he took back to his lodge and raised them to adulthood.

One day he awoke to discover that the wolves had left him and puzzled, he followed their tracks down to the beach where he had first found them. As he approached the ocean, he saw the wolves swimming out into the ocean where they killed a whale. Much to his amazement, the wolves then brought the dead whale to shore so that the man might have its meat and make use of the blubber and bones.

Things continued such for many days until the time came that the beach was now littered with decaying whales as the wolves were hunting more whales than the man living alone could possibly harvest. Seeing such great waste, the ~One Above~ called upon the Thunder Beings, the Rains and the Fog so that the wolves would not be able to find any whales to kill.

Grandmother Ocean became so tumultuous that the wolves were unable to find their way back to land and were forced to stay out in the water where they were transformed to ~Sea Wolves~ or as they are known today, Killer Whales.

Other tribes believe that the Sky (or Star) Nation brought Orca to Ina Maka (Mother Earth) from the Dog Star Sirius (the Home of the Ancestors). It was then that this ~Great Wolf~ was made Keeper of the Ocean, and Guardian of the Cosmic Memory . . . hence the name ~Sea (for the waters in which She would now dwell) Wolf~ (in remembrance of the Home World)~.

***Like their Spirit Totem, the two-legged beside whom Orca (and all Dolphin & Whale Totems) swims, has an unconscious memory of their Origin and Heritage. This is a deeply buried Memory that has been imprinted upon their Soul, cosmic knowledge and recollections of the ~home world~ and of the Ancestors. Though this Cosmic Memory is deeply buried even beyond the levels of the ~sub-conscious,~ the Sleeper may Awaken at any stage when the time fast approaches for the Ancestors Return. Often times this Memory is Awakened via sound, or as other soul-group members are re-connected as ~Pods.~

It is believed that we are fast approaching the Center of the Universe, an event that happens approximately every 24-25,000 years. When the Ina Maka enters the Center of the Universe, the opportunity is had for all of Human Consciousness to make the step across the bridge or through the Doorway into the Fifth World of Peace and Ultimate Illumination. The next such date of this "occurrence" is believed will take place in 2012.

At some later stage, a separate page will be written dedicated to this ~Prophecy,~ and will be a World Wide opportunity, not exclusive to any one clan or ~tribe~ of souls.

How this is significant for All with a Totem of Dolphin or Whale, is that this awareness is even closer to the surface than it may be for ~Others~ as these are the souls that have agreed to light the lantern of Illumination that Others may find their way across, as He/She reminds us that we are all connected, we are all ONE.***

~Creativity~

Many creation legends and theories are centered around the belief that all Life sprang from the Ocean, and that members of the Dolphin and Whale family are a Symbol of that Creative Spark at the height of its expression.

Orca teaches us the Power of Breath and Creativity, and in observing the manner in which any of the Dolphin/Whale Totems breathe, this is significant in applying those same principles to one beside whom this Animal Ally swims.

As the Orca surfaces for air, they are commonly sighted ~breaching~ free of the water, a behavior that marine biologists do not completely understand as it does not appear to serve any ~useful~ or biological purpose. The Orca could just as easily merely rise to the surface of the water (as it does at other times) to take in the necessary oxygen, yet will often breach the water in what appears to be a desire to leap back ~Home.~

***For the two-legged beside whom Orca swims, the above carries a double meaning. Firstly, there is the longing within the Orca (Whale/Dolphin) Soul to return ~Home~ to the Ancestors and all that came before. This sense of longing varies . . . at times so silent as to be nearly non-existent, at other moments mild, acknowledged then released, and still other times felt as sharp and keen as a jab to the heart, filling this gentle soul with a nearly overwhelming sense of

~Disconnection.~

The second meaning that this behavior carries with it is a vehicle through which creativity, insight and emotions may be bottled or stuffed. When this is the case, and the Orca soul has succeeded in pushing their feelings so deep, or when they have subjugated their own needs/wants in deference to an ~Other`s~, the result is that those feelings must find some means of release. Often these thoughts and feelings then surface in an explosive rush that may be quite overwhelming for these gentle souls.

Likewise, when their creativity has been "thwarted" for whatever reason, an inner tension builds within the Orca Soul. If an outlet is not found for either the repressed thoughts, emotions or creativity, there may be a physical manifestation in the form of the on-set of an illness, in particular those affecting the lungs such as asthma, bronchitis, chest colds or even pneumonia.

To combat this (and is also a method that will be mentioned under the Healing keyword below), when tensions are building from suppressed or repressed thoughts, emotions or creativity, it would be wise for the Two-Legged with a Dolphin or Whale Totem (such as Orca), to observe, then imitate, the manner in which these Sea Mammals breathe.

Taking in a lung full of air, filling the chest with as much oxygen as possible as though about to dive into the ocean`s depths, holding for as long as comfortably possible, then exhaling in an explosive manner that imitates the sound of the Orca surfacing for air and exhaling through their blowhole.

There is no set number of times that this ought to be repeated, however keep in mind that too much of this deep breathing may induce light-headedness and thus the exercise is best performed in a safe, relaxed seated position. With each inhale and resultant exhale, a personalized affirmation might be utilized, such as for emotional release, "I freely, lovingly and effortlessly express myself in a manner that is respectful of the Self and of Others."
An affirmation for releasing Creative Potential might be such as, "The Creative Force and Genius of the Universe flows effortlessly and lovingly to and through me. I am a tube through which Great Mystery works."

In both instances, it is embracing the Medicine of Orca to better assist the compassionate and creative being beside whom Orca swims.***

~Sensitivity~

Like all members of the Dolphin family, (Orca`s are not whales as many believe, but are the largest member of the Dolphin family), Orca`s are highly intelligent and sensitive creatures, with a perception and awareness that is astounding.

The care that they exhibit toward their offspring and to the sick and injured members of the pod, as well as the dedication to all ~pod~ members, goes far beyond the explanation of mere biology alone, and seems indicative of a heightened sense of spirituality and genuine caring.
As a matriarchal society, Orca males will stay beside their mother throughout their lifetime, offering her protection and support. The only time that a male will leave his mother`s Pod is to answer the call of a female Orca in estrus. Once the mating with that non Pod member female is complete, the male will return once again to swim beside his mother and siblings.

***For the two-legged beside whom Orca swims, there will be a great deal of emotional and ~psychic~ sensitivity. These are the individuals who possess a heightened awareness of the suffering of Others, and will immediately sense the pain that may lay behind the casual words spoken or assurances that "everything is fine." Some inner ~knowing~ within the Orca soul will be triggered in those instances, a reflection of the Orca`s own sonar capabilities.

Although there is a marked degree of sensitivity within the Orca Soul, there also exists the ability to draw back from actually taking on the pain and suffering of those around them. It is an inherent understanding that to do so, would "rob" that one whom they desire to assist, from the Life Lessons that soul is here to learn. Yet often this inherent knowledge is only awakened after some painful lessons of their own, though once the memory has been awakened, it serves them well in their effort and "call" to assist their fellow two-leggeds.***

~Healing through Communication~
All Dolphins and Whales are thought to have healing abilities as an intrinsic part of their unique

~Medicine.~

Even scientists and marine biologists seem to be warming to this long held belief as they are witnessing for themselves the healing interaction that is had between mentally and/or physically challenged children and members of the Dolphin family.

With Orca in particular, it is believed that it is her ~voice~ that is the true healing agent.

***The two-legged who is blessed to have Orca as a Primary Totem (Power, Theme or Mission), will likewise possess an innate healing ability. This ~Gift~ will differ in both intensity (from slight to powerful), and in manifestation (energy healing from distance, laying on of hands, etc.,) yet is one of the Gifts that the Great Mystery has lovingly bestowed upon these Souls.

As with their Animal Ally, the two-legged Orca soul will have the ability to heal through communication. This ability however, is not limited to speaking alone, but also includes all other forms of communication as in the written word, as well as through artistic expressions (painting images, playing a musical instrument or singing).

Most commonly, the healing will come through the voice, and it is also through the resonance of sound that the Orca Soul will experience the awakening of those memories that have been stored on a soul or cellular level. This may occur through hearing a certain piece of music not previously heard before, the click or calls of a Dolphin or Whale while watching a program on these beautiful creatures or having a first-hand encounter, or through hearing for the first time a member of their ~Pod~ (or Soul Group) speak.

Though it may take many years of development to become consciously aware of when this is occurring, once the ability has been honed, the Orca individual may then learn to tune into this Cosmic Memory through a chant or mantra he/she may sing or hum. This same "cosmic song" may then also be employed to heal and awaken ~Others,~ and in times of physical illness or stress (as previously stated physical manifestations will tend to surface in the lungs) employing the technique of "Dolphin/Whale Breathing" while assist in expediting the healing process.***

~Alchemy.~

Alchemy, is the ability to transform raw or "base" materials into matter of a higher vibration, nature or quality. In relation to ~Sea Wolf,~ it is believed that as Guardian to the Cosmic Memory, Orca has the ability to create portals through which the ~Home World~ (the doorway to the Star Nation) may be reached.

***For the two-legged with this power animal ally, the Orca is believed to be a powerful lantern of enlightenment, illuminating the pathway for those who desire to step beyond the ~mundane~ world of the physical senses, to the magical shores of cosmic understanding.
As they journey through their early lives (and early childhood/adulthood of the current lifetime), Orca souls experience many lessons in making the best possible out of often very meager or painful experiences. They do not enter into an "easy" existence . . . to the contrary, their life is often met with numerous challenges, more so than most around them to the point where friends or loved ones may even comment on the number or frequency with which these hardships are encountered.

Yet beneath all of the trauma and pain, there is an inner sense that there is "more" to the experiences. It is thus that the two-legged beside whom Orca swims (with sufficient maturation and detached observation), learns to fashion the Golden Staff of Enlightenment from the minerals of past experiences and lessons learned.***

I love a lot of Michael Parkes work and wish I could afford a TON of it as I find it often inspires me to write poetry. This is just a bad copy of one of his many many paintings, available at http://www.michaelparkes.us/. 

My beautiful eldest daughter, Amber Narae, and her best friend, also an Amber. She's about 8 months preggers in this shot and ready for Ian to make his debut. March 2005. 

My Grandson Ian Douglass Clark on his birthday at 1:24 a.m. April 12, 2005 in Anchorage, Alaska. I got to be there for it! What a thrill! 

Poem:The Voice of Hope

I wrote this a few years back as sort of an internal dialog/automatic writing.

The first line was always the excuse, question, prayer, hope, problem and the rest of the lines in a stanza were what I heard as an answer.

I know I write kind of flowery, but that's just how I see things and hear them. Hope its not too distracting. I reread this today because I was feeling really down. I had a few really UP weeks and then the past week has been let down after let down.

I can see that I'm running out of energy despite remembering to ground myself and I'm having a lot of trouble with indecision eating away my power. I hope this makes sense to others and perhaps means something to someone else. Thanks for listening. ______________________________________________________
October 13, 1999
Voice of Hope

Meditations on the inventions of the modern sin, stolen moments and aches that will not heal.

“Shove me, beat me, push me away, the garbage of society, a whole new way to feel”

You’ve been stripped of your humanity, invited the parasites,
Open up your rotting flesh and cleanse the need to fight,
I’ll bring the water of pure birth to wash away the dirt
Infections cured, diseases eased and all your pains and hurt.

“There’s no way to warm this chill, my soul’s far gone and sick...”

Open up your retching soul, expel the ancient grit
Spew the nights of loneliness and feed the candle wick.
Push away the hallowed grave, let new religion grow.
The kind that feeds on healthy things, the kind that lets life flow.

“Instill in me the sense of peace the need for better things.”

Open up your heart to receive wonder that life brings,
Throw up all the angered hate and scalding gulps of fear,
When the poison’s been let out, you will not disappear,
You’ll find the voice of childhood, a voice for all to hear.

“But how shall I survive these things, how can I be more?”

I’ll hold you in the dead of night, I’ll keep you safe and warm,
I’ll teach you with my body and I’ll keep you safe from harm.
Let the rift of life play on, let your spirit heal
Joy was never meant to carry all the guilt you feel.

“It’s been so long I’ve been away, so far that I’ve had to roam.”

That’s right my sweet evicted soul, but now you can come home,
The candle’s lit within your eyes, you have found your tao.
The rest and peace and love you seek are here beside you now,
Trust in yourself, you’ve earned this space, there’s no need to bow.

Goodnight for now, my sleeping light, and know this sheltered calm,
In the morning I will not be here, but hope will not have gone,
And every time you think to sob, or wail into the sky,
Remember this and wonder why,

When all was lost and mistakes were given flight,
She who caused this wicked vent, Pandora of the tale,
her eyes pained and sad with mortal blight,
looked into the box and HOPE still met her sight.

IF there but be one moment left, where in you make a choice,
Make it one you’ll never grieve, make it with YOUR voice.
Let the tone of truth ring out, and burn your fire bright.

Sins

Poem/ The Balance of Living, Part I

The Lady of the Moon begins her ascent across the velvety heavens,
her battle-maidens and the Night Warriors guard from behind,
following her trail, ever watchful and wary,
should any danger their Mistress find.

She carries her luminescent torch through the heavens,
its halo of dusky light surging forth without hesitation,
and though no one advances and lights her the way,
she admits to no fear save that of the lonely, bound by the rules of creation.

Leaving trembling uncertainty for paled and daintier brides,
the Huntress fears neither destiny nor ghosts,
she searches only for the Golden Hunter to join her for an evenings' ride,
to stand beside her as the celestial host.

A song of animal challenge pours forth from her smoothe, ivory throat,
for she knows the Hunter will hear her lyrical task,
and pause to wonder at its beauty before entering his gilded sky boat.
Once again, sailing swiftly out of her grasp, in search of his own mystery lady.

The Sun Lord ascends, his shimmering blade borne high in admission,
saluting the West whence traveled the Huntress with harvest moon tresses.
Dryad's leave their protective foliage in humble submission,
yet his heart pursues only the quest set without knowing
by the lady he chases and longs to possess...

...studded with comets and starlight, her gown is all that he sees,
though he hears from cocks-crow to twilight an echoing lyrical breeze,
a sweet song of loyal acceptance from the maidens that follow her lead,
he longs to embrace her & hold her with love, realizing that this is his need.

Reigning in his passions and inhaling her dew-moistened perfume,
he unfurls the length of his sails and speeds forth, the search to resume,
as he kens his need to be with her, a shelter from raw Northern gales,
the huntress looses a voice bolted with music, intending this time not to trail.

As the Queen of the evening draws nearer, and touches the edge of his cape,
The minions protecting the Sun Lord attempt to insure his escape,
and without a thought save to rescue, the Moon-Warriors joined in the fray,
each side unaware of the contact the Huntress and Hunter's eyes made.

A murmur of wonder arises & as quickly it started, the battle draws to a close.
The Lion and Lady are dancing, and all life quickens with revel and cheer.
Somewhere between Darkness and Daybreak we find the lovers that chose,
to wager their very existance to follow where the unfaithful would fear.

Gaining a magnum of romance, flesh touches and leaves their souls bare,
She offers her lips and their moisteness, he bends her beneath him and shares,
the strength of his body and takes her when none but the Sun Lord would dare.

Welcome to Truth Singer!

Thank you for stopping in at my blog. I decided today that I wanted to start an ongoing log (or blog in this case) to help track the many changes I'm making in my life.

Eventually I want this site to serve as my own personal mythology which in turn can help others like you, make purposeful changes in your lives which positively enhance your experiences here on earth and beyond.

I believe in many things and this blog will serve as my outlet for these beliefs. I want to share with those drawn here how I believe we are being led to raise our awareness, expand our minds and spirits and live our lives in alignment with the universe.

I believe that the message can be given in thousands of ways, and that for some, this blog could be a necessary step towards becoming your own person and loving yourself and your place in the world. I could use a pencil, pen, crayon, lip stick, tarot cards or mental e-mail to get the message to you but this time I am using the computer and this wonderful internet.

Welcome to my thoughts and musings. I welcome your thoughts and stories as well.